Sitting Pretty
Dec. 31st, 2024 08:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
digitalbodiesIt's about a year now since I was assaulted. This feels like a more important anniversary than my own birthday nowadays. The time sticks in my head; I’ve started judging most things in relation to it. I’m more confident and sure of myself since it happened. I’m also realizing that no matter how much I progress, the stains will never fully go away. All I can do is get better at living with them.
The longer this goes on, the more my girlhood becomes inextricably linked to the fear of men. It used to be a pure thing in my mind, a sense of belonging and freedom. Now I think, girlhood is getting catcalled on the street before you know what sex is. Girlhood is realizing how quickly a guy could force himself upon you if he wanted. Girlhood is unconsciously twisting yourself to avoid aggravating the men who enter your periphery, trying to make yourself as unnoticeable as possible.
I think there are many good men, and it’s not like I haven’t been hurt by women. That’s no longer the point. No matter how many precautions I take, my safety will never be a certainty. I’ve made peace with this; one day, I might be in the wrong place at the wrong time and I’ll be taken again. That’s the risk I’ll take, so I can keep exploring this world.
It’s been a year. I’m scared it will be many more before I feel like my body is mine again. All I can do is keep moving forward.
The longer this goes on, the more my girlhood becomes inextricably linked to the fear of men. It used to be a pure thing in my mind, a sense of belonging and freedom. Now I think, girlhood is getting catcalled on the street before you know what sex is. Girlhood is realizing how quickly a guy could force himself upon you if he wanted. Girlhood is unconsciously twisting yourself to avoid aggravating the men who enter your periphery, trying to make yourself as unnoticeable as possible.
I think there are many good men, and it’s not like I haven’t been hurt by women. That’s no longer the point. No matter how many precautions I take, my safety will never be a certainty. I’ve made peace with this; one day, I might be in the wrong place at the wrong time and I’ll be taken again. That’s the risk I’ll take, so I can keep exploring this world.
It’s been a year. I’m scared it will be many more before I feel like my body is mine again. All I can do is keep moving forward.
